The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
