my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
