im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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