tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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