i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
well you can't waste a boner
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
