Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
