Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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