and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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