My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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