so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
