I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
