hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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