He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
