Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
