i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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