i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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