My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am available for nakedness
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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