I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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