How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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