hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
