While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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