i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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