I hate your face
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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