I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i out mim tonsoeep
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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