In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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