Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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