I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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