I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
