ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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