The beer is more important than you right now.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
