we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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