I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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