the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
