so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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