I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
