my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
