Whats the glycemic index on semen?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
And then he peed in my hair
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