Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize