My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
