I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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