Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
