There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
