ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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