So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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