Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
