Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
