omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
