I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
