tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
