there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
