you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
