also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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