where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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