Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
