Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
