Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
