im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
