I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
