Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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