Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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