Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
