My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
